finding my wings

big changes are coming…

Happy Birthday Steve… or… you’re still on facebook

Hey you,

On Sundays, Facebook sends you an email list of all of your “friends” who have birthdays coming up that week. I knew it was coming up- I’m good with birthdays- but there was still a jolt of sad when I saw your picture. I’m glad they’ve kept your profile up, I’m not sure if it is your son or daughter- I know it will be nice for your friends to have a place to stop and send you birthday greetings.

Tonight I’m thinking about all of the cold Saturdays at the downtown market in Charlottesville. The morning always started with you fussing at me for being late (like you were surprised at that?). I’d usually get the morning coffee cuz I just hated setting up my booth. I remember passing off pecan pie as your birthday cake. I remember you trying to sneak Splenda into my coffee once (and I did SO notice it sucked, I just didn’t want to sound ungrateful). There was always a moment of you fussing at Pat and me to get to work. There was the decision of where lunch would come from, and who would go get it. There was the point in the late morning/early afternoon when Pat would send you home to nap (yes, you did get grumpy). And then there was you coming back to pack up- and Pat and I never getting it right.

I’m thinking of those weekends now, because it’s that time of year and I will always associate those Saturdays with your birthday. But it’s not just now that I think of you. You and Pat became such an important part of my life- you both come to my mind all the time. I’d only known you 6 years, but the sense of belonging I felt with you guys will last forever.

I’m hoping that Pat, your kids, your family, all your friends- everyone who is remembering your birthday today is able to do it with a sense of peace and a smile. I don’t doubt there will be tears- I know I’m smiling through mine, cuz I’m so glad today was your day. (now feel free to fuss away, cuz there ain’t no way I’m getting up early enough to do that downtown market ever. again.)

happy birthday. miss and love you,

mindy

 

 

wow- i should write something

it’s been so long- they’ve changed everything on wordpress. that’ll teach me not to blog. oh, and i’m not really blogging tonight. but i will give you a gratuitous goatie pic or 2- though if you’re on facebook you’ve seen them.

cookies being pretty

floppy being... floppy

there ya go. i’m gonna spin now. or make a mocha. the mocha may win…

16 years- do I write tonight?

I’ve said it all before, or have I? And you know, it’s not like the actual DAY makes any difference. My brother is gone, he was gone yesterday when it was 15 years and 364 days, he’s gone today at exactly 16 years, and he will be gone tomorrow at 16 years and one day. So what if i took a year off from writing on his death-day? Why does it have to be exactly today. But here it is, today. And here I am, writing about it. Somehow, I can’t not.

Eric made a cameo in one of my crazy dreams last night- the dreams were all over the place- but for a moment he was there and healthy- even as the goat shearer was trying his hardest to convince me Eric did not have AIDS and did not die. And I do often have dreams where he was able to keep AIDS at bay, and live with it. Then there are the twisted up dreams where even though I know he is gone, I am still at the train station putting him back on a train to Boston.

It never changes- I always want him back. All the reasons I want him back are all the reasons I’ve wanted him back for the past 16 years. Sometimes one reason is more prominent than all the others- they shuffle, rearrange themselves- some days it is the wish that the 6 beautiful children that would call him Uncle Eric could know him- and that he could know them- I know they’ve missed a wonderful uncle- but he ended up missing some pretty fantastic kids, too. Sometimes it’s wanting to have a good snark session over our aging parents (I am soooo going to be in trouble if Mom figures out how to work her computer…). I’d like to hear the endless ribbing I would get over my farm (he, like my mother, would swear I was switched at birth). I’d like to be a bratty little sister again. I’d like to be a younger sister that he could show all the important stuff in Boston to. I’d like to go to him when I’m unsure of life and some of the changes that have happened this year- hard, scary changes, and wonderful changes I’m afraid to trust. I’d like him to be able to come to me to see if I can give him another perspective. I would love for my sister and parents to not have to miss him anymore. I wish, I would love, I would give teeth for…

If you’re new here, you can go here and here and here but most of you know all of that. Which means, you know what I’m asking- be nice to your brother or sister, or if you HAVE to call them a dweeb or pull their hair, do it gently.

Eric, I love you and miss you. Manda, I love you.

I was never here…. (or shhhh, don’t tell Carol)

Test knitting.

So, as a distraction, beautiful goats:

brothers little Evan and Griffin

Sirius Black looking dignified

and looking just like himself

Now remember, I was never here…

Not quite a change of subject

It’s been hard to come back here- it just didn’t feel right yet to write a blog post that wasn’t about Steve after all of that. But I am going to post now- with just a little bit of Steve.

I had a dream last night. It was the goat show we have every summer. Nothing unusual. Pat and Steve (of course) were there. Steve picked on me just as much as usual. All of our goat friends were there- it really was just a normal goat show. I often have dreams like that about my brother- just normal daily stuff- but he is healthy and happy- as Steve was in the dream last night. I figure it is their way of letting us know they are just fine where they are- these are happy dreams, not sad.

I don’t think I’ve told you all about Cocoa Puff and Courtney, have I? 2 baby Jersey Woollies.

Cocoa Puff

Courtney

They are a little over 3 months old, so it’s time for their first shearing.

Cocoa Puff before

Cocoa Puff after

Courtney before

Courtney after

Between these 2 tiny wonders, I only got 1 oz of fuzz. After a few more collections, their hair will be destined for this beautiful fleece I got from Brice at the goat show a few months ago.

Hot Chocolate's fleece

Hot Chocolate was the cutest, sweetest little kid doe- I got to hold her in the show and fell in love (something I never do with goats).

Alright, that’s it for now. Actually, there is much more, but for now I must be my test-knitter persona, Esmerelda. There is a book coming out, and the author (speak up in comments if I can say who you are) is keeping me very busy. And she’s a bit of a slave driver, so if she asks, I wasn’t really here…

So I leave you with Sirius Black and little Floppy- he looks great, doesn’t he? Have a great holiday weekend!

Sirius Black and Floppy

Dear Steve,

You already know I love you, and I’ll miss you, blah blah blah. That isn’t why I’m writing today.

I wanted to thank you for all the touches you added to your service today- the ones you planned so carefully- that took a beautiful, poignant, and bittersweet afternoon and added some wonderful levity to the day. You should have seen everyone doing your fist pump to Teenage Wasteland! (you probably did).

Pat was amazing today- as she always is, and your five children were strong and beautiful- I know you know all of that. I know how proud you are of all of them.

(oh, and you should know that not only did i eat very little vegetable matter, I also had fried chicken and three desserts- so ha!)

I saved a special bottle of beer for tonight (did I ever tell you how proud I am of your … sobriety? … recovered alcoholic status? … not sure what the right wording would be). I thought you’d enjoy that bit of defiance. I’ll feed the goaties late tonight, and drink that beer as I watch the stars come out with them. And I know that even though your light went out here on earth, it’s up there somewhere keeping watch.

(and I guess I will tell you one more time that I wouldn’t have missed knowing you for anything)

Love,                                                                                                                                                                       Mindy

Safe journey, Steve

We all knew this post was coming- doesn’t really make it any easier.

Steve passed away very peacefully last night at 9:00. Of course Pat was there, as well as 3 of their children (they have 5 between them, and the other 2 will be back shortly), a lifelong friend of his, and another dear neighborhood friend.

This is all I have right now, I’ll be back soon when I can write more.

Steve update

Hi. Sorry it’s been awhile. Not much seems to have changed. Or rather, it has been changing gradually. I was down there today and was able to have a short visit with him. He’s still Steve- very aware, knows who is there and what is going on, and is still as much of a smart ass as ever. But he’s getting tired. He sleeps a good bit of the time and he wears out very easily. They’ve put him on oxygen, which helps some. He’s been amazingly strong- it’s no wonder he is tired.

Keep your prayers and thoughts coming- they are much needed and much appreciated. Thank you guys so much.

Steve update- nothing new

Everything is still pretty much the same. I spoke to his daughter Friday, and he is still taking fluids, still harassing everyone, still being Steve. They have had to drain some fluid off of his abdomen a few times- there was some discomfort, but apparently it’s easy enough for them to do at home. I’ll try and find out more in the next couple of days. In the meantime, keep up the thoughts and prayers, please!