Eric and Jeff
I think that will always be my favorite picture of them. Last year I told you about AIDS taking my brother Eric, and his partner Jeff.
For some reason today is harder this year than last. I guess mourning someone is like that. It comes and goes- never forgotten, just sometimes harder.
In this past year some friends of his from high school have contacted Manda and me through Facebook, and we all got together in June when they were in town. Just this past month, another of his friends from jr. high has found us, and I’ve updated him on Eric’s life since. Friends everywhere are remembering him today, and I know somewhere Randall (he was his partner at the end) is remembering- so if you guys could help me send some peace Randall’s way…
Maybe I need him more today than I did this day last year. I’ve got some pretty big changes coming up, and I could use the comfort of having a big brother tell me it will all be okay. (cuz whenever he said that, somehow it was all okay). It seems like its been a lifetime- and it has. My daughter’s lifetime, my sons’ lifetimes, my nieces’ lifetimes, and almost my step-nephew’s lifetime- give or take a few months. Yet it could just be yesterday. My sister, parents, and I all tell stories to the kids, make sure we talk about him frequently, there are pictures up- we do everything we can. I know in some sense that he is here- watching over us (he probably kept that deer from coming through my windshield cuz he wasn’t ready to have his bratty little sister around being a pest yet 
) and maybe even guiding us in ways we don’t know- and that’s good. But he’s not HERE and dammit, I want him HERE. I want my kids (and Manda’s) to know him, not know of him. I want to know him now- what he’d be working on, where he’d be living (still in Boston, I’m sure), I want to see him be an uncle to our kids, I want his advice and guidance, I want to be able to listen to him if he needs advice or guidance. I don’t want to be the oldest anymore, I want to be the middle kid again. Manda and I don’t want to be just “the girls” we want to be “Eric and the girls.”
Too many “I wants” to list them all. And every single day of every single year, someone else somewhere else feels all of these feelings. And that’s life. And it goes on. And I’m glad to feel everything that I feel- not because my brother is dead, but because I had my brother.
Like I asked you last year, be nice to your brothers and sisters today- and if you have to call them names, please do it with a smile in your voice. Thanks for letting me vent a bit. AIDS sucks.
What a sorrowful thing for you and your family. I lost my dear brother to cancer (he was so young) almost 8 years ago. I miss him everyday and always will. Yes, the best way to honor him is to talk about him and tell stories about him to all. Aids does SUCK. I hope one day they will find a cure for it.
*hugs* aids sucks. cancer sucks. there is too much of both and so much else right now it can feel unbearable.
when it feels like everything we know – all the structure in our lives; our family, friends, jobs, society – is falling down around us – at least we have love and have loved.
You’ve done great things to honor him this year. Be proud amongst your sadness. It is incredibly hard to live on when your loved ones are gone. Keep the stories alive like you are doing. xxxxxx
Sometimes it happens that way — soon after a loss you’re kind of okay, maybe a little numb, then three months or six or a year after you fall to pieces. Everyone grieves differently. Take good care of yourself. Go hug your goaties and snorgle your kittehs.
This is a beautiful remembrance. It sounds like you feel like this was something you wrote for your own sake, but it does good to people who don’t know you, too.
I had a visitor to my blog make a comment a few weeks ago about fighting his insurance company to get treated for his HIV — a reminder that we get stronger against this disease every day we fight it, and that includes caring for its victims, in life and in death.
All peace to you and your family and I’m glad I lucked into your post.
Much love to you and your family. Today and all days.
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