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Archive for January, 2014

A wave of… I’m not quite sure I can put a name to it- sadness, introspection, deep thoughts?

A friend has lost 2 friends this month, and maybe that started these thoughts- so that people I’ve been close to that I’ve lost have been on my mind, my brother- Eric- and Steve to name the first few. A friend of mine who I haven’t been as close to as I used to be had surgery this week for liver cancer. So maybe it’s mortality that has me right now.

Those thoughts led me to memories in general. Songs on my playlist today have taken me back to the past. On currently is a song I loved when I lived in Seattle, Photograph by Natalie Merchant and Michael Stipe- reminding me of being all by myself out there (I moved to a city across the country all by myself- one thing I’ve done that I’m very proud of). Earlier one played that reminded me of when my husband and I first met- chatting online. A beautiful song w/ very wistful bordering on sad tones. Something so horrible had happened in his life that this song reminds me of the sadness in him at the time. Memories.

Which then led me to think of my grandmother. The years she was helpless in a nursing home- immobile and facing her demons. Now that I think about it- have you noticed when visiting nursing homes there are so many screams and incoherent yells? I wonder if that is demon-facing. Grammy had a hard life- and I have to admit that she wasn’t a very nice person. She had some things- probaby many things- that she regretted in the end- and I imagine not very pleasant memories. Which then led me to thinking of the memories I have stored up. Will they be enough to sustain me if I find myself lying helpless in a nursing home in my 90s? So now I’m thinking back- and yeah, I think I will have wonderful “movies” playing in my head. I try to lightly visit those memories occasionally to “cement” them in my mind so that they *will* be there to pull out if I ever need them for my only entertainment. And life is so good right now- there is hard stuff, but we will get through it- that I will have many more good memories to add to the collection.

I’ll have to find a way to encourage my kids and step-kids to build their memories, make sure they are ones that they will want to come back to- and this seems strange- but even embrace the sad times- because those become special memories, too. (the lonely times when i moved, after relationships ended, or when I was in long distance relationships, after deaths- those are poignant and I cherish them as much as the giddy, happy ones). And see to it that they don’t store up those “demons” that need to be faced in the end.

I was supposed to be knitting for the Charlottesville Art Market next month, but I couldn’t not come over here and type all this. Thanks for listening.

Enough of heavy stuff- baby goats should be coming as early as this weekend!!! There will be happy posts and lots of sweet pictures coming.

For now, I will leave you with 2 pictures of sweet, sassy Nessie- she will be a year in March! She is still the tiniest thing, and (shhh, don’t tell) even prettier than her momma, Rosie- who to me has always been the epitome of beautiful Angora Goat. This was shearing day last week. My middlest happened to be home from school that day, and was helping us out.

middlest and Nessie

middlest and Nessie

Nessie the littlest dust mop

Nessie the littlest dust mop

Have a great week and I’ll be back with new babies, soon!

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